New York, Coworker

It's pretty much decided that I'm going to go to grad school in New York. I love the attention that I'm getting because of it way too much.

And on the subject of attention, lately I'm feeling tempted to, when I move to New York, take advantage of the fact that married, middle aged men have always liked me (usually a little too much). I doubt I'd ever find some place quiet or private enough to do phone work, but you can always find some place private enough to fuck in an anonymous city.

Beyond that, things continue with Coworker. For some reason I don't know how to tell him that Grad School is in New York. I've told him that I got in to a program but never mentioned where. For all that I convince myself that he doesn't give a flying fuck about me beyond the sex and drugs, I just have this feeling that he wouldn't take the news well.

Of course, I may not have to tell him at all. We fucked the other night. He was very drunk and I was very not sober and he neglected to mention that the condom slipped off while we were fucking. And for how far I had to reach in to find the damn thing, it had been off for awhile before we stopped. After we stopped but before I knew that it had slipped off, I asked him if he came and the response I got was "like four times". Great. I'm on the pill but I ended up getting the morning after pill anyway since earlier that day I'd made a crack to someone that the only thing I needed to do between now and August was to not get knocked up. This is easily the most dickheaded thing he's ever done to me.

The sex was simultaneously horrible and phenomenal. I don't remember the last time that fucking felt that good. I'm not sure how it happened but the angle felt perfect. The horrible is the after effects. Beyond the morning after pill, I found scabs on my nipple/tit so he drew blood again. He also grabbed my ass while we were fucking and dug his nails into basically the top of my ass crack. I knew it hurt like a son of a bitch at the time and that it kept hurting, what I didn't know was that he made me bleed. I figured that out the next morning and there was a lot of blood and I think I was still bleeding. It feels like he's losing control but yet he wonders why I won't let him fuck me in the ass. After the permanent damage Sales Guy left, I'm a little hesitant to let anyone do that.

Also, his bed is incredibly uncomfortable and he tosses and turns a lot. And he snores. Loudly.

Adventure?

I got accepted into a graduate program in New York. I am simultaneously excited and terrified. I have never felt more like a small town girl than I do right now. I also recognize all of the incredible opportunities both professionally and sexually. I also see immense potential for isolation and long bouts of celibacy. I can't wrap my head around how much my life would change.

On Voices

I have a fuck list in every situation, including my work place. There are a handful of people on it and one glaring omission. Coworker was never on my list. I loved shooting him down and never had any intention of fucking him until one day when he started triggering adrenaline rushes every time he came within three feet of me. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why my body needed to fuck him so badly. He's nearly the antithesis of my "type". He's a blond and I can't get over that fact because he's the first one I've fucked. He's loud and obnoxious and everything that normally turns me off.

So what caused the change? At first I thought that it was a case of my body deciding it was time to fuck and deciding "you'll do". Eventually I realized that wasn't the case because it could have decided that about multiple people. So why him? I didn't figure it out until I remembered one of my very first calls at my new job that freaked me out pretty badly. I spoke with a client who might have actually been a client in my previous occupation. If it wasn't actually him it would have been someone just like him and being on the phone with him my mind flashed through what kind of call it would have been during my operator days. He would have been asking me about how short my cheer leading skirt was and if I'd ever been with a man before. It would have been my job to giggle and say "no but I'm kind of curious". The conversation we actually had revolved around an issue he was having with his ledger data.

The really good operators who actually make a lot of money do a few specific things: they develop regulars, they work consistent hours, and they develop an ability to intuit what the client wants before he says it. I was starting to develop the intuition before I quit.

Coworker has two normal voices: loud/goofy/wild and very serious/business/professional. He also has the voice that growls when he talks to me while I'm sucking his cock, but that's not generally displayed in public. But back to the point-- the two distinct voices. I don't think I consciously picked up on it, but subconsciously it's probably what made my body decided that I needed to fuck him.

Beyond that, I miss doing phone work. I miss the adrenaline rush and the ego boost and the feeling of being powerful. I miss being stretched creatively and I miss having 3-4 orgasms in a 10hr shift. I miss the free-ness of it. That being said, I still recognize that it's not the healthiest behavior for me to engage in at this point in my life.

A Collectin of Co-Worker Thoughts

I'm still fucking Co-Worker. Not often, but I did last night. It was the first time he didn't spend the night. It was ok that he didn't spend the night-- we had to work in the morning and when he wakes up somewhere that's not his bed, he gets really thrown off and disoriented. It's different when its a Saturday or Sunday morning and he can take a little time to re-orient, but not on a work day.

Last night was the third time that I've fucked him. I fucked him at Thanksgiving, I fucked him a little after the New Year, and now I've fucked him the week before Valentines Day. When is the next holiday?

The first fuck wasn't especially great and I was actually kind of disappointed. The second time was really good and last night was incredibly better. We learn each other better each time which I realize is the way it's supposed to work but I don't usually do repeats. The last person I fucked with any regularity was Sales Guy and the sex was uneven.

I think Co-Worker and I keep fucking each other because we're easy for each other and we have very compatible preferences. We fuck rough and we fuck dirty and we fuck under the influence of something. I know the substances aren't good but they lower our inhibitions, especially mine.

After the first night (the Halloween sexless disaster), I pulled back my assertive/aggressive and he pulled back his roughness. Each time we fuck he turns it back up a little more and I love it. I realized early on that I wanted to fuck him because I wanted to explore my physical pain limits. He damn near bit my nipple off last night during foreplay. Later when we got to fucking, I felt tighter than usual and I couldn't figure out why. I'm pretty sure the foreplay got me halfway to orgasm without him having ever touched my clit. I've been thinking about it and I was reminded of a book that I skimmed once, it was called "The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl's Sex". I forget who the author was. Trinity and I had happened across it at a book store and we bought it for laughs. There's a chapter in which the author swears that a woman can train her body to achieve orgasm without clitoral stimulation. I wrote it off at the time, but once upon a time I also wrote off having the mythical ability to squirt. I was proved wrong on that account last spring.

When I found myself straddling Co-Worker and letting him bite/suck/pull/pinch/otherwise torture my tits, I reached a point where all I could think about was wanting to cum and feeling like I could do it. I was grinding against him on and off but we were still fully clothed so that couldn't have really caused it. If I developed this ability it would be amazing, maybe someone else would finally be able to get me off.

Last night marked the first time he's ever used his mouth for anything but talking, kissing and a little bit of biting. It's givine me a new understanding of his concept of pleasure/pain. He kept slapping my ass while I was on top of him and I returned the favor by dragging my nails down his back when he was on top of me.

I gave him easily the best head so far and he groaned his appreciation repeatedly. I'm starting to wonder if it's possible to bite him too hard. At least on his cock. I bit his lip too hard last night and he corrected me. He has his nipples pierced (generational/subcultural thing) and I've never gotten to play with hardware before. It's interesting the way it feels in my mouth. His nipples are pierced in a way that I can bit them below the bar or above the bar. He had his hands in my hair and dragged my mouth to both his nipples last night before pushing me to his cock.

I got my way last night when we actually started fucking. He wanted to fuck me from behind and I wanted to be fucked on my back (I had a craving to drag my nails down his back). He fucked me on my back and he told me he wanted to fuck me in the ass in the same position. I told him "not tonight" which made him laugh but he didn't push me. Prior to that as I was putting on the condom he asked if I had lube and when I asked why he let it go. I owe him a round of fucking me from behind and probably a round of anal. I always try to pay my debts...

He confuses me. For as rough as we play he's so fucking careful with me. He never loses control of either of us. He finds my limits and pushes against them but not past them. I love how physically strong he is. He's bigger than me; taller, broader and heavier. With that mass comes the strength to rearrange me in a way that seems effortless. He's never really gentle but he's never really an asshole either.

Co-Worker likes threesomes and he thinks we should have one with one of his male friends. There was one in particular that he was pretty adament that I should fuck and I was pretty adamant that I shouldn't. That friend has been removed from the picture now, but Co-Worker has nominated another one and I'm sure will keep parading them in front of me until he finds one I agree to. We got into it a couple times over the original friend. Co-Worker pushed pretty hard and one night in front of the friend which pissed me off pretty well but as soon as he sensed I was hitting the point of being really upset he backed off and smoothed things over.

I've never had such a distinct age gap (the kind where people look at you funny) and had it be such a non-issue. It's like it doesn't exist. It might be because I'm the grown up in this, Co-Worker is the eptiome of a man-boy but I kind of feel like he's good for me.

Lately I've been missing it and I think I want to start doing phone work again. Part of me is pretty scared, and part of me is feeling engaged and excited in a way that doesn't often come anymore.

Cock, Pussy, Tits.

Cock. Pussy. Tits. Panties. Words I learned to use effortlessly when I did phone work. I doubt I will ever be able to refer to genitals in any other way. Panties is one of my least favorite words in the history of least favorite words. I hate the way it sounds, the way my mouth changes to shape the word, the way it looks. The social connotations behind it: it's fucking underwear. For fucks sake, just call it by it's name.

So why those words? Why cock? Why pussy? Why tits? I can't say 'boobs' anymore without making a conscious effort to do so. It sounds strange in my ears to hear "vag" or whatever it is people are using right now. I hear "vajayjay" is trendy right now. Cock...I struggle a little bit less with. I can still use 'dick' without much trouble. Possibly because "dick" is a common insult while "cock" is not. I've been thinking about them a fair bit as I've gotten involved with someone new. I've never heard 'cock' or 'pussy' from him-- I hear 'penis' and 'vagina'. He did say 'titties' last night, but he was really wasted.

This is Co-worker. He's the first "legitimate" partner I've had in ages. "Legitimate" means that I found him through means that don't include websites. This makes things amazingly messier. I finally have a day job again. I do general support in a call center (I'm good with my voice, what can I say?). He, up until yesterday, was the head/supervisor of a different support department. Yesterday was his last day-- he flamed out spectacularly with the company. He's older-- I think 32 or 34. I've never messed around with a blond before. A blond, dirty hippy with long hair. He always has at least 4 days worth of a beard, but he does a decent job of shaving. I'd forgotten how nice it is to not have to pick hair out of my teeth after a blow job.

He's charismatic. He's too intelligent for anyone's own good, including his own. I'm still unraveling the levels of him. There is the performance of Coworker-- the loud, extroverted, obnoxious-with no-social-filter (shouting drunk comments at other drunks on the way to the car) Coworker. Then there is intelligent Coworker, who sits on my couch and complains that he can't find the specialized grating he needs to build his solar panel windows which involve a complicated dual-duct system based on hot air/cold air suction. It involves a lot of science that is beyond my grasp. There's also scared co-worker. I see Scared-coworker when we mess around. He's the one whose the biggest mystery to me. He's the one who stops us before we get to fucking.

Lastly, there is Dominant Coworker. He's the really exciting one *grin*. He likes my hair. More specifically, he loves to grab my hair and pull my head to wherever he thinks it should go. His hands are so... sure. They go into my hair or around my neck or over my tits. All I can do is follow where he leads, and it's all I want to do. When I'm kissing, I hate tongue. I trained my ex to never do it. I willingly accept Coworker's tongue. I willingly accept his cock in my mouth and I willingly accept his cum shooting down my throat. I rarely let anyone mess with my ears because no one gets it right. He does it perfectly.

Things started a little rocky. Our first encounter came on Halloween. I came on to him, we were a little drunk. Or a lot drunk. Usually if I take someone home from the bar, it's vanilla and the only thing I have to negotiate is using a condom and turning down anal. If I'm going to play, I know it's coming and I negotiate before it happens. I knew with Coworker I wasn't getting vanilla, but I didn't know what exactly I was getting. I randomly brought play home from the bar, and it didn't go so well. The tension was there, which is one of my favorite things. We came home, started kissing, and he was rough. I like rough, but he caught me off guard. He choked me, which I'm not huge on to begin with, but without any prior negotiation... not so much. And then the biting. I like biting, but he bit my neck and I had to see my family that weekend, so I really didn't want marks. And there are so many better places to bite me. We ended up basically on my floor dry humping. At one point I sucked his cock for a bit, but we had some issues. I don't entirely know what happened, but he tweaked on me. He tweaked, tried to stop me, and I don't know why, but I ignored it. If we would have switched genders, people would have yelled at me for sexually assaulting him. I don't know what happened to me, but the next morning... I still feel incredibly disappointed in myself because I think I'm better than that.

Last night was round two, and much better. I'm still confused. Pleased, but confused. There was a lot of touching. Touching that wasn't sexual. It was just touch. In a relationship, it would be called "cuddling". He initiated, not me. When we started messing around, he refused to kiss me. He'd pull my face up to his, hold it so close, and then move me away. And then he pulled my face to the zipper of his pants. I sucked his cock and he talked to me while I did. Talked to me the way I like it, his voice dropping to a near growl. I think I was on my knees for almost an hour. I love staring into a man's eyes while I suck his cock. I did that as much as possible. His hands were constantly in my hair, keeping it out of the way so he could watch me, helping to set the rhythm. But at the same time, occasionally I'd look up at him and we'd just crack up and be affectionate for a bit and then I'd go back to sucking his cock. He fingered me on and off and he's good at it. Coworker doesn't like to just give pain, he likes to receive too. I think he's the first man whose wanted me to bite his cock, to drag my teeth across his cock. When he started to get close to cumming, he told me he wanted to blow his load down the back of my throat. And then he asked me for permission. I told him I'd deal and he stopped and told me I didn't have to do it. And then for the first time in my life, I made the choice to swallow.

And then it was over. He got dressed and it was as if we'd never done anything. he was sitting on my couch and I was laying there with my head in his lap. And then he fell asleep. Two hours later, he woke up and left. There was another night that I tried to get Coworker to stay and he refused on grounds that he's too restless to make it on a couch or a full size bed. While he slept, he was almost completely still. And there was just a gentleness last night that was confusing. Gentle is not how I would describe him.

In the middle of all of this is Scared Coworker. I feel like I'm seducing a virgin, for as far removed as he is from being one. We play and it's really good. And then he tells me when we hit his stop-point. I'm working on respecting his limits without making him feel that he's failed me. He apologizes and beats up on himself. Tells me he doesn't know what's wrong with him. He's almost achingly confused with himself. At one point I was standing in front of him while he was sitting on my couch. He leaned forward and put his arms around me, burying his head in my belly the way small children do when they're scared. I held him and did the hair-smoothing-comforting thing. It was all I could do for him, but if I could've I would've done more. There were other little moments like that. This isn't supposed to happen in situations like this.

I'm wondering as I write this if I will ever play with him again. We have some small business that we do with each other so I doubt that I will never see him again. I guess odds are decent that based on that, we might play again.

First Love & Growing

Part of my time on the couch (see previous post) was spent on the phone with First Love. He and I have been talking a lot in the last couple months. A few weeks ago, during one of our late night conversations, he admitted that it'd been too long since the last time he'd seen me. I teased him that he meant my tits and not me (we'd been talking about the fact that my tits had been causing an uproar in my life lately) and he said no, he meant me, the tits were just a bonus. Then he admitted that he should probably do something about this, and that maybe it was time to make the 7hr drive to see me.

This conversation made my head explode. It's the first time he's ever said anything like this. The last time he told me he missed me was at the end of our first go-round seven years ago. The fact that he decided that it was his turn to do something about it, and that he'd make the effort to see me, blew my head off even more. First Love is a bit... lazy. Meaning, in the past, if I've wanted to see him, I've always had to come to him. He made it explicitly clear that he may not be able to do it, but if he can't, its because he can't afford it, not because he doesn't want to see me.

If the trip comes to fruition, it will be the third time I've seen him and the first time that sex has been a possibility in both our minds. Over the past year, we've been slowly becoming sexual with each other again. We've both matured a lot and it shows in the process. He's flat out said he wants to try a threesome (two women). This is not something he was interested in when we were younger. We've also talked about cunnilingus, which is something we used to very rarely talk about. He seems a lot more interested in new experiences. I don't think he has the energy that Sales Guy has, but I haven't really had a chance to explore that either.

I very much want this, but it scares the shit out of me. There's too much between us... too much history, too much care, too much balance for me to have meaningless sex with him. Meaningless is so much safer. I don't know that I've ever really had meaningful, but I hear it's pretty good.

This feels like the right time for this to happen. We're both at a crossroad in our lives, a time when we're both free to go wherever life wants to take us. I'm starting to feel ready for a relationship again, and I think he might be warming up to that idea too. I know for a fact that marriage and kids have always been in his life plans and still are. He makes me want that with him.

He's not perfect (for example: he's extremely conservative), but he suits me.